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Change of plan

From today, I’m going to try to change the style of my posts.

I try to share what I learn along the way in this blog, and sometimes I sound like a preacher, but I want to share more about my struggles, because I do struggle. Pretty much everyday!

What I’m struggling today: pretty harsh skin picking around my ear/neck area, and binge eating.

Here’s how my skin is looking today:

I want to practice what I preach so I will try to wear gloves today, as well as put a few bandages on, and update you again how it’s helping to prevent the urges.

As for binge eating, I binged majorly yesterday and this morning- I’m going to hydrate myself as much as possible, brush myself off and keep moving on, and most importantly I WILL NOT RESTRICT my calorie intake to make up for my binges- this wise girl knows that that only makes the binge restrict cycle worse. I will eat periodically moderate amounts to keep me satisfied.

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Negative self talk

How many times during the day do you put yourself down.

How many times do you imagine opening up about your problems but don’t because you fortune tell the person bringing you down if you do, saying it’s trivial, that’s it’s your fault, that they’ve got no time for this. But all these mean words are actually your words, they are the things that you’re actually telling yourself maybe without even realizing.

Let’s untangle all these nasty opinions we have of ourselves. Being kind to oneself is really hard, but at least we can start by acknowledging that we’re not so nice to ourselves.

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Celebrating small wins (and practical tips)

Not every day is sparkly and perfect.

In fact most days are not.

But- there are always small wins somewhere, hidden away.

One of the (many) reasons I skin pick is because I focus on the negatives- like ‘my skin is bumpy, my skin has clogged pores, it mustn’t be like this’

Or at a deeper level ‘I failed this and this and I don’t deserve a life that’s any better’

My skin is not perfect, I still have lots of clogged pores, pimples and scars.

But, I’m proud of trying to make progress and being aware of my situation.

Enough of this ambiguous talk though, here are some practical things that’s been helping me :

  • Put bandages(band aids) over the most troublesome parts- this is not a cheap option, and perhaps not the best for the skin if the bandage is always on- BUT sometimes there are those areas that we just cannot stop touching intensively and we need physical intervention. Personally this has helped me stop scratching the area around my ears these past few weeks.
  • Stop the intrusive thoughts – this is the advice from my counselor- when you realize you’re skin picking, try to say the alphabet from z to a. Then say 3 cities that start with each of the alphabet (or fruits and vegetables, or random objects, you name it, it can be any category you want!)- the point is to distract the mind until the intrusive thought to pick the skin weakens. Personally, my favourite alternative is to sing my favourite/ or a difficult song (if it’s appropriate place)- my mind becomes so consumed with singing that it no longer has the capacity to focus on skin picking.

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Update on skin picking 2021/10/1

So in my previous post I shared my skin picking episodes coming back strong.

Since then, I’ve had better days and not so good days and this is the update:

Wednesday:

After a day of distracting my hands with my squeezing toy, the skin is showing recovery and less inflated than Tuesday.

Thursday:

The skin area behind my ear is healing continuously but I’ve been touching the acne in front of the ear too much and starting to inflate. You can also start to see on my cheek a new one coming up from my incessant touching irritating the skin.

Friday:

Spending the whole day at home, under no one’s watch, and stressed out by my work (working from home), I couldn’t stop my skin picking- especially 2 spots (one in front of the ear and one on my cheek)

Tomorrow, I’ll be out and about (instead of just sat at my desk alone at home) and hopefully it will be distracting enough that I can give my skin some time to heal.

Why am I sharing these grim photos? I’m well aware they’re ugly to see, but I’m hoping that it will reach someone that’s struggling with something similar, and show that you’re not alone.

I’ll hopefully be able to come back soon with more progress.

P.S. you might be thinking ‘what about gloves?’- yes, gloves are great and they do help. But sometimes I get so sick of them and take them off. It’s not a perfect solution but it still is helpful to have them around!

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Skin picking is back

So unfortunately skin picking came back in full force since around a week.

For me, I tend to pick acne and blackheads, which means when I start, it tends to spread even more, and it can escalate really quickly. (how delightful ..)

Now it’s especially bad around the sides of my face and my neck. (Warning I’ll post photos of my skin)

I try to share what’s worked for me on this blog, but I’m feeling a bit lost how to pick myself up again and wanted to share my vulnerable side.

My long time crush (and someone I have 23 years of memories with) told me he’s getting married this weekend, which might be why I’m needing that extra bit of compassion/ stress relieve.

This is my skin today:

I’ll try to comeback on here with an update of recovery!

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Alternating between one coping mechanism and another

So these past weeks have been stressful, it’s been a combination of a move, a busy period at work, and stressed out family members.

What happened as a consequence was, I’ve been alternating between skin picking and binge eating when I haven’t been able to choose healthier ways to cope with the stress.

Like my counselor says, we all need a coping mechanism. What’s important is that we replace it with a healthier method. I think this is a really important point that I seem to forget a lot. – we don’t have to deprive ourselves of coping mechanism, and if we want to shift away from an unhealthy coping mechanism, we have to take care of ourselves in a different way. (I know I’m repeating myself here but I think it’s that important!)

When I’m binge eating or skin picking, I feel out of control. Like I have no other way but to do it. So it’s important to have those alternatives ready before we feel those needs.

When I’m sleep deprived, I tend to binge more (this seems to be science! and something many people experience). In these cases for example, I try to take a nap if I can, even a short one. (Although often I would feel too hungry to sleep so I end up eating BEFORE the nap … don’t do this you guys, it’s important to really head to bed/sofa etc directly)

For skin picking, I try to keep the lights off/dim as much as possible when I’m at the bathroom/sink so that I don’t see my skin in the mirror. I also sometimes try to shower with only the small lights on so that it’s dim enough that I don’t see my arms or shoulders which I tend to pick in the shower. This can also be relaxing, like a moody bath just for yourself.

I also love to keep nice smelling things around so that it helps to soothe not just the urges but also to soothe the stress that causing these urges in the first place. For example, I like to keep Lush’s Therapy? Massage Bar at my desk because it smells so calming! (It can also double as a quick massage session if you’re up for treating yourself a bit)

Other alternatives that I like are, taking a quick 5 or 10 or 15mins walk around my block, or longer if time allows in the nature, listening to my favourite music or podcasts, and taking a nice long bath! Of course talking to friends and family also is a great way to relieve stress, but I find it helpful to have few tricks up my sleeve that I can do without relying on anybody else.

I’m still exploring alternatives for coping with stress and caring for myself, and finding ways to make it easy for me to reach out for these healthier options. I’ll keep posted if I can find more ways!

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When binge eating hits back

Hi, I’m back after a long break.

So when I started this blog, I wanted to focus on skin picking disorder because I felt that the resources and the stories of people experiencing this are still pretty hidden away.

But I decided that I will also share more of my journey on binge eating. It’s hit back pretty hard for me these past months, and my every day involves finding ways to manage it, and I want to share what has been working for me, and what has been challenging.

Mind you, I’m still struggling with skin picking every day as well. It seems that both my skin picking and binge eating are my coping mechanisms, and when I’m in need of some kind of comfort, either of these (or both!) come out.

During my break from here, I started counseling through BetterHelp which has been a gamechanger. It’s been really helpful to finally be able to be vocal about what I feel and start unpeeling the underlying causes of my anxiety, depression, and these disorders. It’s not a cheap option for sure, but when I think of how my performance has been affected by my depression, etc., I decided to take the plunge and invest. I think it also helps that so far, my counselor and I are a good fit. Maybe readers here can relate, but I find that the relationship, the chemistry, the “fit” between the client and the counselor/psychiatrist is a MAJOR factor in making progress.

So, to start with, I found out that “binge eating” was a disorder, and that there are people out there sharing their stories came when I found the YouTuber “Kelly U“. She opened my eyes to the concept of looking into yourself when you binge, and the importance of being extra compassionate to yourself when you binge or feel like binging because that’s when you need it the most. Instead, I think most of us beat ourselves up for binging and make ourselves feel worse. There is a reason why we felt like we needed to binge, and it helps to give ourselves an internal compassionate hug for feeling this way. I think this resonates with skin picking as well. I tend to skin pick more when I’m stressed, sad, tired, or simply bored, all of these situations, I could really do with a hug and empathy for myself!

It’s difficult when we’re filled with feelings of shame and self-disgust, but imagine your best friend is going through this, it might make it easier to be kinder to ourselves (I try to do this when I’m blaming myself for something outside of disorder as well, I am definitely the world’s best critic of myself and it takes effort to pull myself away from the negative mentality)

My mind is starting to get fuzzy so I’ll be back again with more on the ways I’m trying to cope with these bitching habits and disorders.

Stay safe, Xx

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Lush: Lime Bounty

So it’s a little confession time.

I’m a hardcore addict of Lush and I’ve spent more than I can admit during this pandemic.

Smell and scent are something key for me, and many memories are connected with scent. And scents can be a huge refresher, especially in current situation where we still have many days that seem to go on forever and connect in to one, as well as being a great distracted when we get urges for picking.

So anyways, my latest order arrived (yes!!) and I wanted to share my thoughts and excitement.

So once opened, it smells exactly like the name and ingredients – lime + coconut. The colour is bright lime green with white coconut ‘flakes’ (coconut oil in disguise) on top.

Once on skin, it’s pretty light and spreads easily and the coconut ‘flakes’ melts into the skin. It has a great balance of moisture and lightness and feels great for summer – and the scent continues without being too strong (sometimes a body moisture could smell so strong it wakes me up at night so this is super plus for me)

Definitely recommend this for anyone who’s into tropical refreshing scents, citrus, or simply a good summer moisturizer. 10/10

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Dealing with urges of skin picking

I hope that everyone is holding out ok in yet another month in the pandemic. There seems to be large gaps in the atmospheres of different countries depending on the vaccination rate, how long the country has been in lockdown, the culture of the country and of course the number of cases.

It gives us hope to see countries with high vaccination rates progressing into more social everyday lives. In Japan, we’re still at 1.9% full vaccination, and the no. of cases are not calming down either, so it still feels like a long way to go before I can feel relaxed spending time with people outside my family.

Either way, it is still a very tough time for so many of us around the world and I want to take a moment to say (to everyone and to myself) that things will get better, we have to hang in there to see what wonderful things are out there after all this.

For me skin picking disorder is closely related to stress and anxiety. And when things get tough or I feel tired, I find comfort in touching somewhere on my face or neck or arm or wherever I can find a small bump that I can fiddle with. But the scars and damages that my fingers leave are honestly more stress-causing than the comfort that we briefly get when we are messing with it.

It’s also got to do with self love and body image. When we’re feeling low, we may not feel as good about our bodies. And the stresses could induce unhealthy eating habits too, which also makes us feel worse about ourselves and look for comfort. Then we pick our skin to feel comfort and also “fix” our body. But it damages us and we feel worse.. you can see the pattern. It’s a vicious cycle, and a difficult one to get out of.

Personally, one way I see it is, when we are already in a state where we have strong urges, the only way to do something about it is to physically stop it. E.g. wear gloves. Turn off the lights so at least you can’t see your skin. Go outside or go to bed (for me I especially get triggered when I’m tired at night). Psychologically telling ourselves ‘don’t do it’ is really not very effective, and it only harms us because when that doesn’t work, we just feel ashamed that we don’t have the will power. It may sound strange but you have to do an intervention on yourself, and be self compassionate, and help yourself be in a situation where you are at less risk.

There’s much more to explore about causes and ways to deal with skin picking, but I’ll stop here for now today. Sending much love to everyone.

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So what is skin picking disorder?

In this blog, I want to explore what skin picking disorder is, my story with it and the ways I try to tackle it.

As a starter, let’s look into what this disorder is about.

I find Mental Health America’s description very accurate:

Excoriation disorder (also referred to as chronic skin-picking or dermatillomania) is a mental illness related to obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is characterized by repeated picking at one’s own skin which results in skin lesions and causes significant disruption in one’s life. 


Individuals may pick at healthy skin, minor skin irregularities (e.g., pimples or calluses), lesions, or scabs. This disorder is usually chronic, with periods of remission alternating with periods of greater symptom intensity. If untreated, skin-picking behaviors may come and go for weeks, months, or years at a time. It is common for individuals with this disorder to spend significant amounts of time, sometimes even several hours a day, on their picking behavior.


Skin picking is a body-focused repetitive behavior (BFRB) that typically begins during adolescence, commonly coinciding with, or following the onset of, puberty around ages 13-15, but may also occur among children (under 10 years old), or adults (between the ages of 30 and 45). [1] Excoriation disorder affects approximately 1.4% of American adults, and is experienced by women more often than men. [2]

https://www.mhanational.org/conditions/excoriation-disorder-skin-picking-or-dermatillomania

For me, it started when I was 10 years old, when I started to get small red bumps on my arms, a little pimply on my forehead, and started noticing blackheads on my nose.

I remember that around the same time, one girl in my 5th grade class said, “I heard you should never pick pimples, it will burst and spread it all over your skin”, but this knowledge didn’t stop me from trying to get rid of my spots.

Since then it’s developed into a habit that no matter how many times I try, how many ways I cover the mirror or wear gloves, I cannot completely get rid of. I felt ashamed of my habits and the hours I spent in trance attacking my skin, ashamed of the scars and worsening of skin that I caused, and thought for many years that it was the matter of will power and that I was simply not trying hard enough to overcome this ‘little habit’. While this may still be true, I cannot express the relief I felt when, finally, a year ago (in the first months of the pandemic), I somehow came across this disorder on the ~internet~. I think there is something about getting to know that you are not alone, and that if this is a disorder, maybe there is a way to get better, and get help.

Right now, I am trying to tackle my habits by trying out ways that my dermatologist/psychiatrist recommends(whom I found after getting know about the disorder), as well as little ways that I developed myself.

I will explore more about the triggers, the things I do to calm my urges, as well as the potential deep-rooted reasons behind my actions, and also consequences of this disorder and how it has affected me.

I want to finish off this post with a series of questions by WebMD (yes I know) that could indicate you have skin picking disorder.

・Does picking at your skin take up a lot of time during the day?

・Do you have noticeable scars from skin picking?

・Do you feel upset when you think about how much you pick your skin?

・Does picking at your skin get in the way of your social or professional life? For example, do you avoid the beach or the gym because people might see your scars? Or do you spend a lot of time covering up sores before work or social events?

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/skin-picking-disorder

If these questions apply to you or feel that they may apply to someone close to you, you’re not alone I promise. I hope that my story could help someone out there and please don’t hold back from looking for resources and professional help.