I’m sorry I’ve been away from here for a long while.
Truth is, I fell off the wagon and had entered a numb state for a long while. I think too much happened last year ranging from family having a stroke, my work environment having a drastic change, managing unstable family dynamics, heartbreak and financial stump. And I didn’t manage to relieve and soothe my stress so when the last drop came, I really fell hard into a really long dark state of numbness.
I was binging, skin picking and even managed to pick up a new behavior, shopping addiction.
Being new to this addiction I fell hard and I’m only now starting to learn how to get out of it. So if I can find good ways to combat it, I will share it here. So far I have only been able to combat it when I really have a hard sad reason not to, such as getting into a fight with my family because of this addiction or because I got into an argument with the person that sold something with me online. That’s right, I argued with a stranger online that I’ve never done before because I got unnecessarily cranky (I falsely accused the person for selling me a fake sample but it turns out it was real- needless to say the person was upset). I was ashamed of the person I had become. But life hit me with new stones and I became weak and surrendered to the sweet whisperings of the allure of spending money online.
I’m now trying to get back on track again. However many-ith time is the charm as they say.
Maybe I’ll try to make this blog post a kind of a public statement. It will be part of me trying to find out what way helps me get out of this dump.
Because let me tell you, this addiction is a dump. For the below reasons:
1) financial obvious reasons – you buy unnecessary things, it puts a strain on your finances. You get stressed you shop more, you might start spending away your savings that you needed for something critical or even if it’s something saved for enjoyment later, either way you’re stripping yourself away from freedom both financially and mentally.
2) lose time – you lose time looking up things you want to buy and you lose time buying things and you lose time thinking about how to use up those things (I mainly buy scent related products and hygiene products). Or you lose time trying to be sensible and trying to talk yourself out of shopping.
3) lose sleep – related to the above, I mainly scrolled and shopped late at night which ate away my sleeping time and I’ve been really tired on many days.
4) lose confidence – you feel stupid and worthless and ashamed that you can’t control your shopping behavior and finances. the lack of confidence comes through to every aspect of my life
5) lose trust – you lose trust in yourself but you also lose trust from your family members and those close to you when you start going overboard with shopping and start hiding what you’ve bought.
6) don’t confront the real issues so it piles up and explodes- when I’m shopping, I’m trying to run away from my problems and find relief. Which means I’m taking away the opportunity to sit down with myself, really ask myself what’s wrong and try to work through the actual problem
All of the above had a knock on effect on family, work, friendships and relationships.
It’s been really challenging, it’s so stupid as I already had enough financial problems with my family losing their job since Covid started.
One thing I can say is, if you’re struggling with something similar, and if you have family or partner or someone close to you, open up to them as soon as you can about this issue. I think that’s the best advice I can give right now. And give yourself a hug because chances are, you really need it.