Tag: mental health

Categories
shopping addiction

Why Shopping Addiction is a bitch

I’m sorry I’ve been away from here for a long while.

Truth is, I fell off the wagon and had entered a numb state for a long while. I think too much happened last year ranging from family having a stroke, my work environment having a drastic change, managing unstable family dynamics, heartbreak and financial stump. And I didn’t manage to relieve and soothe my stress so when the last drop came, I really fell hard into a really long dark state of numbness.

I was binging, skin picking and even managed to pick up a new behavior, shopping addiction.

Being new to this addiction I fell hard and I’m only now starting to learn how to get out of it. So if I can find good ways to combat it, I will share it here. So far I have only been able to combat it when I really have a hard sad reason not to, such as getting into a fight with my family because of this addiction or because I got into an argument with the person that sold something with me online. That’s right, I argued with a stranger online that I’ve never done before because I got unnecessarily cranky (I falsely accused the person for selling me a fake sample but it turns out it was real- needless to say the person was upset). I was ashamed of the person I had become. But life hit me with new stones and I became weak and surrendered to the sweet whisperings of the allure of spending money online.

I’m now trying to get back on track again. However many-ith time is the charm as they say.

Maybe I’ll try to make this blog post a kind of a public statement. It will be part of me trying to find out what way helps me get out of this dump.

Because let me tell you, this addiction is a dump. For the below reasons:

1) financial obvious reasons – you buy unnecessary things, it puts a strain on your finances. You get stressed you shop more, you might start spending away your savings that you needed for something critical or even if it’s something saved for enjoyment later, either way you’re stripping yourself away from freedom both financially and mentally.

2) lose time – you lose time looking up things you want to buy and you lose time buying things and you lose time thinking about how to use up those things (I mainly buy scent related products and hygiene products). Or you lose time trying to be sensible and trying to talk yourself out of shopping.

3) lose sleep – related to the above, I mainly scrolled and shopped late at night which ate away my sleeping time and I’ve been really tired on many days.

4) lose confidence – you feel stupid and worthless and ashamed that you can’t control your shopping behavior and finances. the lack of confidence comes through to every aspect of my life

5) lose trust – you lose trust in yourself but you also lose trust from your family members and those close to you when you start going overboard with shopping and start hiding what you’ve bought.

6) don’t confront the real issues so it piles up and explodes- when I’m shopping, I’m trying to run away from my problems and find relief. Which means I’m taking away the opportunity to sit down with myself, really ask myself what’s wrong and try to work through the actual problem

All of the above had a knock on effect on family, work, friendships and relationships.

It’s been really challenging, it’s so stupid as I already had enough financial problems with my family losing their job since Covid started.

One thing I can say is, if you’re struggling with something similar, and if you have family or partner or someone close to you, open up to them as soon as you can about this issue. I think that’s the best advice I can give right now. And give yourself a hug because chances are, you really need it.

Categories
binge eating

What to do with binge urges

As someone who’s trying to overcome binge eating and having some success so far, I’ve been thinking about what methods have been effective to help me overcome binge urges and have grouped them into the following four ways:

1) Replace binging with another coping mechanism

Often, I binge when I’m feeling emotionally unstable, stressed, frustrated, tired, empty, depressed (or sometimes simply bored). For me, binge eating is a coping mechanism and I believe it is for many others.

The good news about this is that there are plenty of other coping mechanisms that we can try. The important point is that binge eating is something we do to help us cope with difficult emotions and situations, or fill in some emptiness, and if we aren’t going to binge, then we need something else to replace it. As simple as this is, this didn’t occur to me until my counselor pointed this out to me. We can’t just brute force take binging away from us and expect ourselves to be all good.

I’m still figuring out what is a good alternative coping mechanism for me, and it will look different for all. So far, I’ve found surrounding myself by nice scents/giving myself time to enjoy nice scents, taking walks, exercising/yoga, finding moral support in friends/family/or professionals have helped. But for me, these are all things to alleviate ‘overall’ binge eating habits rather than something that helps me ‘at the moment of urge’ if that makes sense. Which brings me to the next point:

2) BINGE- but on healthy alternatives like veggies

That’s right- sometimes we have this strong wish to binge out and we just have to embrace it. But we don’t have to go all the way to the unhealthy side.

I try eating a cucumber, or a good old salad, or maybe vegetable soup or cooked veggies. Fruits could work too. Just something non processed that our bodies won’t complain too much when we have a chunky amount.

3) Mindfulness of our eating

I’m not a huge fan of the word ‘mindfulness’, it feels overused. But for simplicity, I use it here- to mean ‘being aware of what we eat, being aware of our sensations and emotions as we eat’.

This is something I’m learning on the diet app Noom. (Now as a disclaimer, Noom isn’t designed towards people with eating disorder and I believe it’s super important to have some support for eating disorder in another way during your Noom journey. I was on counseling for the first few months of Noom, and after I had to stop counseling for financial reasons, I’ve tried to listen to podcasts on binge eating when I felt I need some support (my favourite being ‘breaking up with binge eating’ and ‘bingeproof brain’))

For me, the ‘awareness of what I eat’ comes from logging my meals each day. While Noom encourages you to do this to manage calories, counting calories may not be something for you, and in that case, you could try thinking of plate size or number of servings for example.

‘Being aware of our sensations and emotions’ while we eat, is another huge part for me. For example, I’ve realized that I mindlessly binge eat when I eat while watching tv shows or movies. After I started trying to eat without electronics on, I became much more aware of what I was eating, enjoy my food more, and as a result helped reduce my binging habits. I try to focus on sensations like how does the food taste in the first bite, does the taste change as we eat, how’s the texture, and also focus on emotions like how I’m feeling before starting the meal, how it changed when I start eating, and ask myself whether I’m continuing to eat because I’m hungry or because I’m trying to fill an emotional need (this is tough to identify!). I’m not saying I manage to do this with every single meal, but it’s really helpful to have this perspective in the corner of our minds.

4) ok treat yourself once in a while

All the above said, I don’t think it’s a setback to overeat or binge once in a while. It’s our overall behavior that matters and if you are starting to realize your patterns, if you have more time space between your binges, if you are becoming more compassionate to yourself, etc then it’s a win and they are all steps forward. It’s human to go back to binge eating habits sometimes, we have spent so long relying on this coping mechanism and it takes a while to move forward one step at a time. If we slip, we just need brush ourselves off, and keep moving forward.

Sending you all lots of love

Categories
Uncategorized

Update on skin picking 2021/10/1

So in my previous post I shared my skin picking episodes coming back strong.

Since then, I’ve had better days and not so good days and this is the update:

Wednesday:

After a day of distracting my hands with my squeezing toy, the skin is showing recovery and less inflated than Tuesday.

Thursday:

The skin area behind my ear is healing continuously but I’ve been touching the acne in front of the ear too much and starting to inflate. You can also start to see on my cheek a new one coming up from my incessant touching irritating the skin.

Friday:

Spending the whole day at home, under no one’s watch, and stressed out by my work (working from home), I couldn’t stop my skin picking- especially 2 spots (one in front of the ear and one on my cheek)

Tomorrow, I’ll be out and about (instead of just sat at my desk alone at home) and hopefully it will be distracting enough that I can give my skin some time to heal.

Why am I sharing these grim photos? I’m well aware they’re ugly to see, but I’m hoping that it will reach someone that’s struggling with something similar, and show that you’re not alone.

I’ll hopefully be able to come back soon with more progress.

P.S. you might be thinking ‘what about gloves?’- yes, gloves are great and they do help. But sometimes I get so sick of them and take them off. It’s not a perfect solution but it still is helpful to have them around!

Categories
Uncategorized

Skin picking is back

So unfortunately skin picking came back in full force since around a week.

For me, I tend to pick acne and blackheads, which means when I start, it tends to spread even more, and it can escalate really quickly. (how delightful ..)

Now it’s especially bad around the sides of my face and my neck. (Warning I’ll post photos of my skin)

I try to share what’s worked for me on this blog, but I’m feeling a bit lost how to pick myself up again and wanted to share my vulnerable side.

My long time crush (and someone I have 23 years of memories with) told me he’s getting married this weekend, which might be why I’m needing that extra bit of compassion/ stress relieve.

This is my skin today:

I’ll try to comeback on here with an update of recovery!

Categories
Uncategorized

Alternating between one coping mechanism and another

So these past weeks have been stressful, it’s been a combination of a move, a busy period at work, and stressed out family members.

What happened as a consequence was, I’ve been alternating between skin picking and binge eating when I haven’t been able to choose healthier ways to cope with the stress.

Like my counselor says, we all need a coping mechanism. What’s important is that we replace it with a healthier method. I think this is a really important point that I seem to forget a lot. – we don’t have to deprive ourselves of coping mechanism, and if we want to shift away from an unhealthy coping mechanism, we have to take care of ourselves in a different way. (I know I’m repeating myself here but I think it’s that important!)

When I’m binge eating or skin picking, I feel out of control. Like I have no other way but to do it. So it’s important to have those alternatives ready before we feel those needs.

When I’m sleep deprived, I tend to binge more (this seems to be science! and something many people experience). In these cases for example, I try to take a nap if I can, even a short one. (Although often I would feel too hungry to sleep so I end up eating BEFORE the nap … don’t do this you guys, it’s important to really head to bed/sofa etc directly)

For skin picking, I try to keep the lights off/dim as much as possible when I’m at the bathroom/sink so that I don’t see my skin in the mirror. I also sometimes try to shower with only the small lights on so that it’s dim enough that I don’t see my arms or shoulders which I tend to pick in the shower. This can also be relaxing, like a moody bath just for yourself.

I also love to keep nice smelling things around so that it helps to soothe not just the urges but also to soothe the stress that causing these urges in the first place. For example, I like to keep Lush’s Therapy? Massage Bar at my desk because it smells so calming! (It can also double as a quick massage session if you’re up for treating yourself a bit)

Other alternatives that I like are, taking a quick 5 or 10 or 15mins walk around my block, or longer if time allows in the nature, listening to my favourite music or podcasts, and taking a nice long bath! Of course talking to friends and family also is a great way to relieve stress, but I find it helpful to have few tricks up my sleeve that I can do without relying on anybody else.

I’m still exploring alternatives for coping with stress and caring for myself, and finding ways to make it easy for me to reach out for these healthier options. I’ll keep posted if I can find more ways!

Categories
Uncategorized

When binge eating hits back

Hi, I’m back after a long break.

So when I started this blog, I wanted to focus on skin picking disorder because I felt that the resources and the stories of people experiencing this are still pretty hidden away.

But I decided that I will also share more of my journey on binge eating. It’s hit back pretty hard for me these past months, and my every day involves finding ways to manage it, and I want to share what has been working for me, and what has been challenging.

Mind you, I’m still struggling with skin picking every day as well. It seems that both my skin picking and binge eating are my coping mechanisms, and when I’m in need of some kind of comfort, either of these (or both!) come out.

During my break from here, I started counseling through BetterHelp which has been a gamechanger. It’s been really helpful to finally be able to be vocal about what I feel and start unpeeling the underlying causes of my anxiety, depression, and these disorders. It’s not a cheap option for sure, but when I think of how my performance has been affected by my depression, etc., I decided to take the plunge and invest. I think it also helps that so far, my counselor and I are a good fit. Maybe readers here can relate, but I find that the relationship, the chemistry, the “fit” between the client and the counselor/psychiatrist is a MAJOR factor in making progress.

So, to start with, I found out that “binge eating” was a disorder, and that there are people out there sharing their stories came when I found the YouTuber “Kelly U“. She opened my eyes to the concept of looking into yourself when you binge, and the importance of being extra compassionate to yourself when you binge or feel like binging because that’s when you need it the most. Instead, I think most of us beat ourselves up for binging and make ourselves feel worse. There is a reason why we felt like we needed to binge, and it helps to give ourselves an internal compassionate hug for feeling this way. I think this resonates with skin picking as well. I tend to skin pick more when I’m stressed, sad, tired, or simply bored, all of these situations, I could really do with a hug and empathy for myself!

It’s difficult when we’re filled with feelings of shame and self-disgust, but imagine your best friend is going through this, it might make it easier to be kinder to ourselves (I try to do this when I’m blaming myself for something outside of disorder as well, I am definitely the world’s best critic of myself and it takes effort to pull myself away from the negative mentality)

My mind is starting to get fuzzy so I’ll be back again with more on the ways I’m trying to cope with these bitching habits and disorders.

Stay safe, Xx

Categories
Uncategorized

So what is skin picking disorder?

In this blog, I want to explore what skin picking disorder is, my story with it and the ways I try to tackle it.

As a starter, let’s look into what this disorder is about.

I find Mental Health America’s description very accurate:

Excoriation disorder (also referred to as chronic skin-picking or dermatillomania) is a mental illness related to obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is characterized by repeated picking at one’s own skin which results in skin lesions and causes significant disruption in one’s life. 


Individuals may pick at healthy skin, minor skin irregularities (e.g., pimples or calluses), lesions, or scabs. This disorder is usually chronic, with periods of remission alternating with periods of greater symptom intensity. If untreated, skin-picking behaviors may come and go for weeks, months, or years at a time. It is common for individuals with this disorder to spend significant amounts of time, sometimes even several hours a day, on their picking behavior.


Skin picking is a body-focused repetitive behavior (BFRB) that typically begins during adolescence, commonly coinciding with, or following the onset of, puberty around ages 13-15, but may also occur among children (under 10 years old), or adults (between the ages of 30 and 45). [1] Excoriation disorder affects approximately 1.4% of American adults, and is experienced by women more often than men. [2]

https://www.mhanational.org/conditions/excoriation-disorder-skin-picking-or-dermatillomania

For me, it started when I was 10 years old, when I started to get small red bumps on my arms, a little pimply on my forehead, and started noticing blackheads on my nose.

I remember that around the same time, one girl in my 5th grade class said, “I heard you should never pick pimples, it will burst and spread it all over your skin”, but this knowledge didn’t stop me from trying to get rid of my spots.

Since then it’s developed into a habit that no matter how many times I try, how many ways I cover the mirror or wear gloves, I cannot completely get rid of. I felt ashamed of my habits and the hours I spent in trance attacking my skin, ashamed of the scars and worsening of skin that I caused, and thought for many years that it was the matter of will power and that I was simply not trying hard enough to overcome this ‘little habit’. While this may still be true, I cannot express the relief I felt when, finally, a year ago (in the first months of the pandemic), I somehow came across this disorder on the ~internet~. I think there is something about getting to know that you are not alone, and that if this is a disorder, maybe there is a way to get better, and get help.

Right now, I am trying to tackle my habits by trying out ways that my dermatologist/psychiatrist recommends(whom I found after getting know about the disorder), as well as little ways that I developed myself.

I will explore more about the triggers, the things I do to calm my urges, as well as the potential deep-rooted reasons behind my actions, and also consequences of this disorder and how it has affected me.

I want to finish off this post with a series of questions by WebMD (yes I know) that could indicate you have skin picking disorder.

・Does picking at your skin take up a lot of time during the day?

・Do you have noticeable scars from skin picking?

・Do you feel upset when you think about how much you pick your skin?

・Does picking at your skin get in the way of your social or professional life? For example, do you avoid the beach or the gym because people might see your scars? Or do you spend a lot of time covering up sores before work or social events?

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/skin-picking-disorder

If these questions apply to you or feel that they may apply to someone close to you, you’re not alone I promise. I hope that my story could help someone out there and please don’t hold back from looking for resources and professional help.