Tag: self compassion

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shopping addiction

Why Shopping Addiction is a bitch

I’m sorry I’ve been away from here for a long while.

Truth is, I fell off the wagon and had entered a numb state for a long while. I think too much happened last year ranging from family having a stroke, my work environment having a drastic change, managing unstable family dynamics, heartbreak and financial stump. And I didn’t manage to relieve and soothe my stress so when the last drop came, I really fell hard into a really long dark state of numbness.

I was binging, skin picking and even managed to pick up a new behavior, shopping addiction.

Being new to this addiction I fell hard and I’m only now starting to learn how to get out of it. So if I can find good ways to combat it, I will share it here. So far I have only been able to combat it when I really have a hard sad reason not to, such as getting into a fight with my family because of this addiction or because I got into an argument with the person that sold something with me online. That’s right, I argued with a stranger online that I’ve never done before because I got unnecessarily cranky (I falsely accused the person for selling me a fake sample but it turns out it was real- needless to say the person was upset). I was ashamed of the person I had become. But life hit me with new stones and I became weak and surrendered to the sweet whisperings of the allure of spending money online.

I’m now trying to get back on track again. However many-ith time is the charm as they say.

Maybe I’ll try to make this blog post a kind of a public statement. It will be part of me trying to find out what way helps me get out of this dump.

Because let me tell you, this addiction is a dump. For the below reasons:

1) financial obvious reasons – you buy unnecessary things, it puts a strain on your finances. You get stressed you shop more, you might start spending away your savings that you needed for something critical or even if it’s something saved for enjoyment later, either way you’re stripping yourself away from freedom both financially and mentally.

2) lose time – you lose time looking up things you want to buy and you lose time buying things and you lose time thinking about how to use up those things (I mainly buy scent related products and hygiene products). Or you lose time trying to be sensible and trying to talk yourself out of shopping.

3) lose sleep – related to the above, I mainly scrolled and shopped late at night which ate away my sleeping time and I’ve been really tired on many days.

4) lose confidence – you feel stupid and worthless and ashamed that you can’t control your shopping behavior and finances. the lack of confidence comes through to every aspect of my life

5) lose trust – you lose trust in yourself but you also lose trust from your family members and those close to you when you start going overboard with shopping and start hiding what you’ve bought.

6) don’t confront the real issues so it piles up and explodes- when I’m shopping, I’m trying to run away from my problems and find relief. Which means I’m taking away the opportunity to sit down with myself, really ask myself what’s wrong and try to work through the actual problem

All of the above had a knock on effect on family, work, friendships and relationships.

It’s been really challenging, it’s so stupid as I already had enough financial problems with my family losing their job since Covid started.

One thing I can say is, if you’re struggling with something similar, and if you have family or partner or someone close to you, open up to them as soon as you can about this issue. I think that’s the best advice I can give right now. And give yourself a hug because chances are, you really need it.

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Uncategorized

Update on skin picking 2021/10/1

So in my previous post I shared my skin picking episodes coming back strong.

Since then, I’ve had better days and not so good days and this is the update:

Wednesday:

After a day of distracting my hands with my squeezing toy, the skin is showing recovery and less inflated than Tuesday.

Thursday:

The skin area behind my ear is healing continuously but I’ve been touching the acne in front of the ear too much and starting to inflate. You can also start to see on my cheek a new one coming up from my incessant touching irritating the skin.

Friday:

Spending the whole day at home, under no one’s watch, and stressed out by my work (working from home), I couldn’t stop my skin picking- especially 2 spots (one in front of the ear and one on my cheek)

Tomorrow, I’ll be out and about (instead of just sat at my desk alone at home) and hopefully it will be distracting enough that I can give my skin some time to heal.

Why am I sharing these grim photos? I’m well aware they’re ugly to see, but I’m hoping that it will reach someone that’s struggling with something similar, and show that you’re not alone.

I’ll hopefully be able to come back soon with more progress.

P.S. you might be thinking ‘what about gloves?’- yes, gloves are great and they do help. But sometimes I get so sick of them and take them off. It’s not a perfect solution but it still is helpful to have them around!

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Uncategorized

Skin picking is back

So unfortunately skin picking came back in full force since around a week.

For me, I tend to pick acne and blackheads, which means when I start, it tends to spread even more, and it can escalate really quickly. (how delightful ..)

Now it’s especially bad around the sides of my face and my neck. (Warning I’ll post photos of my skin)

I try to share what’s worked for me on this blog, but I’m feeling a bit lost how to pick myself up again and wanted to share my vulnerable side.

My long time crush (and someone I have 23 years of memories with) told me he’s getting married this weekend, which might be why I’m needing that extra bit of compassion/ stress relieve.

This is my skin today:

I’ll try to comeback on here with an update of recovery!

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Uncategorized

Dealing with urges of skin picking

I hope that everyone is holding out ok in yet another month in the pandemic. There seems to be large gaps in the atmospheres of different countries depending on the vaccination rate, how long the country has been in lockdown, the culture of the country and of course the number of cases.

It gives us hope to see countries with high vaccination rates progressing into more social everyday lives. In Japan, we’re still at 1.9% full vaccination, and the no. of cases are not calming down either, so it still feels like a long way to go before I can feel relaxed spending time with people outside my family.

Either way, it is still a very tough time for so many of us around the world and I want to take a moment to say (to everyone and to myself) that things will get better, we have to hang in there to see what wonderful things are out there after all this.

For me skin picking disorder is closely related to stress and anxiety. And when things get tough or I feel tired, I find comfort in touching somewhere on my face or neck or arm or wherever I can find a small bump that I can fiddle with. But the scars and damages that my fingers leave are honestly more stress-causing than the comfort that we briefly get when we are messing with it.

It’s also got to do with self love and body image. When we’re feeling low, we may not feel as good about our bodies. And the stresses could induce unhealthy eating habits too, which also makes us feel worse about ourselves and look for comfort. Then we pick our skin to feel comfort and also “fix” our body. But it damages us and we feel worse.. you can see the pattern. It’s a vicious cycle, and a difficult one to get out of.

Personally, one way I see it is, when we are already in a state where we have strong urges, the only way to do something about it is to physically stop it. E.g. wear gloves. Turn off the lights so at least you can’t see your skin. Go outside or go to bed (for me I especially get triggered when I’m tired at night). Psychologically telling ourselves ‘don’t do it’ is really not very effective, and it only harms us because when that doesn’t work, we just feel ashamed that we don’t have the will power. It may sound strange but you have to do an intervention on yourself, and be self compassionate, and help yourself be in a situation where you are at less risk.

There’s much more to explore about causes and ways to deal with skin picking, but I’ll stop here for now today. Sending much love to everyone.